Goodbye second lover.

She held back her head. Leaned  to the right side of the bed. Played  her favorite song.  Loudly.  Then  softer.  Looked  down. All  dark.  The same fucking air. The air, your aura. That doesn’t change. She looked down. Just like 5 years back she looked down and  said goodbye to the first love. Now was the turn of the second to go. Now is the time. She held back her head. Leaned to the right side of the bed. Played her favorite song. Loudly. Then softer. Looked down. Screams." Not the same air anymore. Please not the same air." She stood up. This time eyes stood up too. Moves  forward. Opens the window. Slides down the curtain. Smiles.  Real  smile. Old air not there anymore. Not suffocating anymore. Un chained. Bridle less. Run, fly, be happy, be whatever. Oh how I missed me. Smiles. Laughs.

Goodbye second lover. Best wishes. Finally.

Lights a  cigarette.

“My hair smell good, again.  To me.”

magic is temporary

That feeling of falling in the same place after much efforts of not doing so,
that's the feeling to hear about you on the streets someday.
when your name falls on my ears it resonates with my memory before my brain.
oh loved lady little did you know the rumors about me back then were untrue just as they are today when they say the same about you?
 But I knew there false as soon as they called your name in a wicked way.
Whereas you till now believe their disbelief when they about me said.
Magic they named the bond we shared. To test this magic many went astray, so did you.
Oh my partner. Without you this show just doesn't run the same way. 

The death of a lover

One day standing at her balcony a thought stroke her head as she sipped the last sip from her coffee mug. What have I made of myself? The answer couldn't enter her mind as swiftly as the breeze did. And that's when she realized at least she doesn't choke while breathing anymore. Back then she could not even imagine that she will ever be able to wake up without eyes full of tears and heart full of remorse. She couldn't imagine that she will forgive herself for not being perfect enough . She couldn't imagine that she might just stop blaming herself for his betrayal. She couldn't imagine that one day she wouldn't feel deserted anymore. But today when she noticed her breathe flowing as swiftly as the breeze without choking her throat. She realized that maybe everything she couldn't even imagine back then would ever happen has happened now. As she stands there in disbelief of her illusioned evolvement through the years. I ask her, did you imagine this? Did you imagine being so lonely? Did you really ask for this kind of freedom? Did you ask for this luxurious house where there is no one you can come back to? Did you really want a house whose door bell you could never ring because you yourself have to open the door each time you enter this lonely place? Was this the kind of life you imagined for yourself? When you used to tell him with eyes full of dreams and passion that I want a big house is this the kind you asked for? When you said to your mom that you want to be as successful as your father did you really mean this success?  I am sure you didn't. But  it still happened to you Miss. successful lady. Similarly  everything else that you  had never imagined would happen has also happened today. Maybe you still love him, maybe you will always love him. But oh my little princess your house will always be too lonely to come back to without him. Your bed would be too cold to go to sleep without him. Your windows would be too thick to let the air pass through your lungs without him. Your heart would be too empty to even feel a death stroke without him. Your feet would never know where to go without him. Your hands will crave for touch but you will never feel anything apart from your own skin without him. Your lips would be painted in dark lipstick but you will still not be attractive enough without him. Your blunt will be too strong but you will never be high without him. Your soul would be tired my little princess but there wont be even be a single second of relief without him.
Oh lady don't even ask yourself who are you. Because somewhere down the line you would realize you didn't only let go of him but also of yourself. Hence today you have all the riches of the world still you aren't the princess you wanted to be. Because that went away with him. \Today you are the single lady running this house because even your much magnanimous doors could never bring him inside. Today you will be dead my girl and none would  be able to spell your name right at your funeral. Because everyone who could have has left you long before you could leave them.
Stop dreaming little girl, stop thinking. freeze your heart and let not you mind work. let not your eyes see your misery let not your ears hear your painful screams.Oh my baby get rid of this punishment of living without him. Tomorrow mix this belief in your coffee that 'no one is going to come to save you'. Gulp the coffee down your throat and jump. Jump off this railing because this isn't the life of dignity anymore. This is a life of rejection. This is the life of being left. This isn't the life you wanted to design for yourself my girl.
Come out of your illusion. Put a halt to your ever waiting soul. Even if you die with his name on your lips he shall still not come back. Even if you will write letters to him warning him to save you he shall still not come back. Even if you call him out loudly, loud enough to break apart every  nerve of your throat he shall still not come back. Because oh my little innocent girl if he would have to come back he wouldn't have gone.
The next morning there was just a pink cup and a princess crown on the table of her terrace. And you know what? He still didn't come back.

Love or Victim?

It would have been so good if you were still here. The lights would have still shined the same way as they used to once you entered here. 

Was it as easy to destroy me now as easy it was to make me yours back then? Did you try to collect the bits you broke out of me while leaving? Or are they still scattered on those streets where you left me and never bothered to turn back and see? 

It had been a long journey we had traveled. I wonder how I am still a nomad even after having found my destination. Maybe that's because my destination just doesn't open the main door. So I try and slip from other doors, windows or even holes. But all in vain. Your building has love proof walls. They just don't let me in. 

Have I been a fool or have you been too smart? I don't know. I haven't really known much. Haven't found answers to many questions I never had the courage to ask. I didn't know a lot. Maybe I didn't know at all.  But  I surely know one thing now I have loved more than you have and you have been loved more than me. I have heard many people talk about love. I have read many fairy tales. But none ever let me know until now that there is no real difference in a victim and a lover. There is no real difference between a sinner and the loved.

THE LOST BATTLE.

Each morning I wake up to fight a battle. It starts with my eyes which flicker hard to control but finally the tear drops come rolling down. Then it moves to my lips which try to smile but the frown is more powerful. Then it turns out to be the failure of my ears which try to hear the melodies but only one sound resonates which says “ I  am not good enough”…. And the heart, the heart that forever resides in the darkness of the previous night. The darkness that doesn’t go by the pretentious sunlight of the morning. It stays because there is no real light at all. At least no light bright enough to reach that black part of me. I wish my senses win over this battle someday. I wish one morning would be better than every other morning I have ever had.

Humans need each other.

Every flower that blossoms has to wither away someday, and it does. No matter how beautiful, how colorful it is.

Eventually butterflies don’t sit on it anymore, no one bends towards it to relish its fragrance, it neither serves as  a birthday present nor as cremation vases. It loses its essence, its wonder perishes. It isn’t allured anymore.

As the musical anklet gives pleasure only as long as it swings with the moves of the dancer, the dancer stops and so does it's music. It’s now just another anklet. Sometimes even beauty comes with interdependence.

Then why today egos restrict us from being together, selfishness blindfolds us to humanity? We fail to think about others? We chose to walk alone just because of two fears, one: the person with us might reach before us, so we choose to not include them in our journey at all.  Two: we might have to share our water with him on the way. We select isolation over indulgence because our mindsets have competition embedded in them, and we are selfish to neither seek nor grant bestowal. We chose to not hold hands, just because we treasure our hands way too much to not let them drench in others sweat. We not just want the perfect for ourselves but also we chose to keep that perfect only till ourselves, We fear indulgence, we fear togetherness, we fear love. We lack trust and confidence, less in others than our self..

We are also too strong, or at least pretend to be so. We are so sure we won’t need support anytime in the due journey. We know we will never fall short of water on our way, we know we will not sweat no matter what. All this is not our confidence in ourselves, it's the overconfidence in whose shade we stand in order to save ourselves from sunshine. What if it's winters some day? And you ain't covered in woolens? Won't you need sunshine then? But till then this shade of loneliness and despair will extend to a never ending magnitude and hence will never let you come out of it. This loneliness would rather turn that shade into darkness, and then to blind black. You will never be able to escape this shade you once took to save yourself from the sun. Now you need sun, one day in that winter day you will need sun. But that day your self-created shade will isolate you from every possible ray of heat. You will dwell in the cold, dark shade forever long. 

The winter day will come. Seasons change for all, irrespective.

I FOUND MY SOULMATE

4 years from now, I sat in a temple with my mom. In front sat a man who could be called a well-trusted and uncontested pandit. An astrologer in simple term, whose predictions have never gone wrong. He sat with my kundli in his hands, he noticed it precisely and after a silence of about five minutes he said,  "Be careful girl, what you have planned can destroy you." This came more as a shock than as revelation. Basically mom and I were there because my family had come to know about my first love and after trying everything that they could, she now wanted to rely on my stars and he beliefs to separate us.

 Noting could stop us. family, restrictions and now even astronomy nothing was powerful enough to pull as apart each other, that was my first love. It was the first love, the first experience of naked immaturity, expectations and high hopes. The first time when you stop thinking and start feeling, the first feeling that becomes so dear to you that you can't afford to lose it, you are ready to stake anything and everything in it's pursue. It's a monster that grabs you by the neck and you are left gasping for breathe, but you mistake this for pleasure. The wildest exposure to stupidity is called first love. 

Back in the temple, in front of that man who right now was my mirror to the future. " You will elope with him, within two months from now. the worst time of your life is approaching, stop whatever you are doing right now or you are sure to fall in a dumpster of destruction." the astrologer said.

I wasn't scared. I knew the astrologer's prediction can never be true because we had never planned to elope. We both could never even think to leave our families, we knew our love is strong but neither of us wanted to hurt our families.We had decided to keep it hidden as long as we can't reveal it to our families, but we will not take any step that can hinder the respect of our families. We had the strong belief that our love was pure and we knew that sooner or later our families will agree for this. I smilingly said, " not even a word of what you said can ever be true."

That astrologer was 91 years old, my family had been showing their trust in him since the last 46 years. All his predictions whether good or bad have always been true. We trusted him for a reason, and that reason was his  predictions have never been wrong. Time went by, eventually who was not meant for me, left. After two years of the day when I was sitting in the temple. He and I broke up, mutually. We were not compatible anymore. But we never eloped. I lost my trust in love and astronomy as well. Whatever that astrologer predicted wasn't true

Six months from today I met a guy, and a guy like never before. I have been dating him since the last 5 months and I have never been happier. This guy and his love for me accommodated all the dreams I had ever seen, he showed me to the bright world which I had always seen in dark earlier. He did the one most indispensable thing, he rebuilt my broken faith in love. He held my hand and taught me to walk even on the toughest paths. I love him, not that crazy and immature love that I loved 4 yearS back. I now love him with maturity, reasoning and fulfillment. Just last night he told me a  story, a story which changed his life, a story that now is changing, reforming and forcing me to think about my life. 

He flew away with his girlfriend to Manali on a September morning, without informing either one's parents. They went there because of some family problems, and decided to never come back. They packed some clothes and grabbed some money. They eloped. While telling his story there was a regret in his voice, I asked him the reason and he told me." We eloped without a plan, we had never even thought or talked about taking any such step till we actually took it. Everything happened too suddenly, It was as if I just wasn't thinking. As if my brain had stopped and some other external force was making me do what I did."

I asked him when did all this happen? He said 4th September 2011. I was amazed. September 2011 was the predicted time of my elopement with my first love according to the prediction of that astrologer through my kundli. My stars shifted to his destiny and what was predicted for me happened with him. That's what made for each other is maybe. That's what a soulmate means. Our stars met a lot earlier than we even knew each other, I hugged him tightly and said in his ears'" Hie soulmate."