Saturday, 7 November 2015

The death of a lover

One day standing at her balcony a thought stroke her head as she sipped the last sip from her coffee mug. What have I made of myself? The answer couldn't enter her mind as swiftly as the breeze did. And that's when she realized at least she doesn't choke while breathing anymore. Back then she could not even imagine that she will ever be able to wake up without eyes full of tears and heart full of remorse. She couldn't imagine that she will forgive herself for not being perfect enough . She couldn't imagine that she might just stop blaming herself for his betrayal. She couldn't imagine that one day she wouldn't feel deserted anymore. But today when she noticed her breathe flowing as swiftly as the breeze without choking her throat. She realized that maybe everything she couldn't even imagine back then would ever happen has happened now. As she stands there in disbelief of her illusioned evolvement through the years. I ask her, did you imagine this? Did you imagine being so lonely? Did you really ask for this kind of freedom? Did you ask for this luxurious house where there is no one you can come back to? Did you really want a house whose door bell you could never ring because you yourself have to open the door each time you enter this lonely place? Was this the kind of life you imagined for yourself? When you used to tell him with eyes full of dreams and passion that I want a big house is this the kind you asked for? When you said to your mom that you want to be as successful as your father did you really mean this success?  I am sure you didn't. But  it still happened to you Miss. successful lady. Similarly  everything else that you  had never imagined would happen has also happened today. Maybe you still love him, maybe you will always love him. But oh my little princess your house will always be too lonely to come back to without him. Your bed would be too cold to go to sleep without him. Your windows would be too thick to let the air pass through your lungs without him. Your heart would be too empty to even feel a death stroke without him. Your feet would never know where to go without him. Your hands will crave for touch but you will never feel anything apart from your own skin without him. Your lips would be painted in dark lipstick but you will still not be attractive enough without him. Your blunt will be too strong but you will never be high without him. Your soul would be tired my little princess but there wont be even be a single second of relief without him.
Oh lady don't even ask yourself who are you. Because somewhere down the line you would realize you didn't only let go of him but also of yourself. Hence today you have all the riches of the world still you aren't the princess you wanted to be. Because that went away with him. \Today you are the single lady running this house because even your much magnanimous doors could never bring him inside. Today you will be dead my girl and none would  be able to spell your name right at your funeral. Because everyone who could have has left you long before you could leave them.
Stop dreaming little girl, stop thinking. freeze your heart and let not you mind work. let not your eyes see your misery let not your ears hear your painful screams.Oh my baby get rid of this punishment of living without him. Tomorrow mix this belief in your coffee that 'no one is going to come to save you'. Gulp the coffee down your throat and jump. Jump off this railing because this isn't the life of dignity anymore. This is a life of rejection. This is the life of being left. This isn't the life you wanted to design for yourself my girl.
Come out of your illusion. Put a halt to your ever waiting soul. Even if you die with his name on your lips he shall still not come back. Even if you will write letters to him warning him to save you he shall still not come back. Even if you call him out loudly, loud enough to break apart every  nerve of your throat he shall still not come back. Because oh my little innocent girl if he would have to come back he wouldn't have gone.
The next morning there was just a pink cup and a princess crown on the table of her terrace. And you know what? He still didn't come back.

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