Tuesday, 24 November 2015

magic is temporary

That feeling of falling in the same place after much efforts of not doing so,
that's the feeling to hear about you on the streets someday.
when your name falls on my ears it resonates with my memory before my brain.
oh loved lady little did you know the rumors about me back then were untrue just as they are today when they say the same about you?
 But I knew there false as soon as they called your name in a wicked way.
Whereas you till now believe their disbelief when they about me said.
Magic they named the bond we shared. To test this magic many went astray, so did you.
Oh my partner. Without you this show just doesn't run the same way. 

Saturday, 7 November 2015

The death of a lover

One day standing at her balcony a thought stroke her head as she sipped the last sip from her coffee mug. What have I made of myself? The answer couldn't enter her mind as swiftly as the breeze did. And that's when she realized at least she doesn't choke while breathing anymore. Back then she could not even imagine that she will ever be able to wake up without eyes full of tears and heart full of remorse. She couldn't imagine that she will forgive herself for not being perfect enough . She couldn't imagine that she might just stop blaming herself for his betrayal. She couldn't imagine that one day she wouldn't feel deserted anymore. But today when she noticed her breathe flowing as swiftly as the breeze without choking her throat. She realized that maybe everything she couldn't even imagine back then would ever happen has happened now. As she stands there in disbelief of her illusioned evolvement through the years. I ask her, did you imagine this? Did you imagine being so lonely? Did you really ask for this kind of freedom? Did you ask for this luxurious house where there is no one you can come back to? Did you really want a house whose door bell you could never ring because you yourself have to open the door each time you enter this lonely place? Was this the kind of life you imagined for yourself? When you used to tell him with eyes full of dreams and passion that I want a big house is this the kind you asked for? When you said to your mom that you want to be as successful as your father did you really mean this success?  I am sure you didn't. But  it still happened to you Miss. successful lady. Similarly  everything else that you  had never imagined would happen has also happened today. Maybe you still love him, maybe you will always love him. But oh my little princess your house will always be too lonely to come back to without him. Your bed would be too cold to go to sleep without him. Your windows would be too thick to let the air pass through your lungs without him. Your heart would be too empty to even feel a death stroke without him. Your feet would never know where to go without him. Your hands will crave for touch but you will never feel anything apart from your own skin without him. Your lips would be painted in dark lipstick but you will still not be attractive enough without him. Your blunt will be too strong but you will never be high without him. Your soul would be tired my little princess but there wont be even be a single second of relief without him.
Oh lady don't even ask yourself who are you. Because somewhere down the line you would realize you didn't only let go of him but also of yourself. Hence today you have all the riches of the world still you aren't the princess you wanted to be. Because that went away with him. \Today you are the single lady running this house because even your much magnanimous doors could never bring him inside. Today you will be dead my girl and none would  be able to spell your name right at your funeral. Because everyone who could have has left you long before you could leave them.
Stop dreaming little girl, stop thinking. freeze your heart and let not you mind work. let not your eyes see your misery let not your ears hear your painful screams.Oh my baby get rid of this punishment of living without him. Tomorrow mix this belief in your coffee that 'no one is going to come to save you'. Gulp the coffee down your throat and jump. Jump off this railing because this isn't the life of dignity anymore. This is a life of rejection. This is the life of being left. This isn't the life you wanted to design for yourself my girl.
Come out of your illusion. Put a halt to your ever waiting soul. Even if you die with his name on your lips he shall still not come back. Even if you will write letters to him warning him to save you he shall still not come back. Even if you call him out loudly, loud enough to break apart every  nerve of your throat he shall still not come back. Because oh my little innocent girl if he would have to come back he wouldn't have gone.
The next morning there was just a pink cup and a princess crown on the table of her terrace. And you know what? He still didn't come back.

Sunday, 16 August 2015

Love or Victim?

It would have been so good if you were still here. The lights would have still shined the same way as they used to once you entered here. 
Was it as easy to destroy me now as easy it was to make me yours back then? Did you try to collect the bits you broke out of me while leaving? Or are they still scattered on those streets where you left me and never bothered to turn back and see? 
It had been a long journey we had traveled. I wonder how I am still a nomad even after having found my destination. Maybe that's because my destination just doesn't open the main door. So I try and slip from other doors, windows or even holes. But all in vain. Your building has love proof walls. They just don't let me in. 
Have I been a fool or have you been too smart? I don't know. I haven't really known much. Haven't found answers to many questions I never had the courage to ask. I didn't know a lot. Maybe I didn't know at all.  But  I surely know one thing now I have loved more than you have and you have been loved more than me. I have heard many people talk about love. I have read many fairy tales. But none ever let me know until now that there is no real difference in a victim and a lover. There is no real difference between a sinner and the loved.

Sunday, 26 July 2015


Each morning I wake up to fight a battle. It starts with my eyes which flicker hard to control but finally the tear drops come rolling down. Then it moves to my lips which try to smile but the frown is more powerful. Then it turns out to be the failure of my ears which try to hear the melodies but only one sound resonates which says “ I  am not good enough”…. And the heart, the heart that forever resides in the darkness of the previous night. The darkness that doesn’t go by the pretentious sunlight of the morning. It stays because there is no real light at all. At least no light bright enough to reach that black part of me. I wish my senses win over this battle someday. I wish one morning would be better than every other morning I have ever had.

Wednesday, 1 July 2015

Humans need each other.

Every flower that blossoms has to wither away someday, and it does. No matter how beautiful, how colorful it is.
Eventually butterflies don’t sit on it anymore, no one bends towards it to relish its fragrance, it neither serves as  a birthday present nor as cremation vases. It loses its essence, its wonder perishes. It isn’t allured anymore.
As the musical anklet gives pleasure only as long as it swings with the moves of the dancer, the dancer stops and so does it's music. It’s now just another anklet. Sometimes even beauty comes with interdependence.

Then why today egos restrict us from being together, selfishness blindfolds us to humanity? We fail to think about others? We chose to walk alone just because of two fears, one: the person with us might reach before us, so we choose to not include them in our journey at all.  Two: we might have to share our water with him on the way. We select isolation over indulgence because our mindsets have competition embedded in them, and we are selfish to neither seek nor grant bestowal. We chose to not hold hands, just because we treasure our hands way too much to not let them drench in others sweat. We not just want the perfect for ourselves but also we chose to keep that perfect only till ourselves, We fear indulgence, we fear togetherness, we fear love. We lack trust and confidence, less in others than our self..

We are also too strong, or at least pretend to be so. We are so sure we won’t need support anytime in the due journey. We know we will never fall short of water on our way, we know we will not sweat no matter what. All this is not our confidence in ourselves, it's the overconfidence in whose shade we stand in order to save ourselves from sunshine. What if it's winters some day? And you ain't covered in woolens? Won't you need sunshine then? But till then this shade of loneliness and despair will extend to a never ending magnitude and hence will never let you come out of it. This loneliness would rather turn that shade into darkness, and then to blind black. You will never be able to escape this shade you once took to save yourself from the sun. Now you need sun, one day in that winter day you will need sun. But that day your self-created shade will isolate you from every possible ray of heat. You will dwell in the cold, dark shade forever long. 
The winter day will come. Seasons change for all, irrespective.

Tuesday, 30 June 2015


4 years from now, I sat in a temple with my mom. In front sat a man who could be called a well-trusted and uncontested pandit. An astrologer in simple term, whose predictions have never gone wrong. He sat with my kundli in his hands, he noticed it precisely and after a silence of about five minutes he said,  "Be careful girl, what you have planned can destroy you." This came more as a shock than as revelation. Basically mom and I were there because my family had come to know about my first love and after trying everything that they could, she now wanted to rely on my stars and he beliefs to separate us.
 Noting could stop us. family, restrictions and now even astronomy nothing was powerful enough to pull as apart each other, that was my first love. It was the first love, the first experience of naked immaturity, expectations and high hopes. The first time when you stop thinking and start feeling, the first feeling that becomes so dear to you that you can't afford to lose it, you are ready to stake anything and everything in it's pursue. It's a monster that grabs you by the neck and you are left gasping for breathe, but you mistake this for pleasure. The wildest exposure to stupidity is called first love. 

Back in the temple, in front of that man who right now was my mirror to the future. " You will elope with him, within two months from now. the worst time of your life is approaching, stop whatever you are doing right now or you are sure to fall in a dumpster of destruction." the astrologer said.
I wasn't scared. I knew the astrologer's prediction can never be true because we had never planned to elope. We both could never even think to leave our families, we knew our love is strong but neither of us wanted to hurt our families.We had decided to keep it hidden as long as we can't reveal it to our families, but we will not take any step that can hinder the respect of our families. We had the strong belief that our love was pure and we knew that sooner or later our families will agree for this. I smilingly said, " not even a word of what you said can ever be true."
That astrologer was 91 years old, my family had been showing their trust in him since the last 46 years. All his predictions whether good or bad have always been true. We trusted him for a reason, and that reason was his  predictions have never been wrong. Time went by, eventually who was not meant for me, left. After two years of the day when I was sitting in the temple. He and I broke up, mutually. We were not compatible anymore. But we never eloped. I lost my trust in love and astronomy as well. Whatever that astrologer predicted wasn't true
Six months from today I met a guy, and a guy like never before. I have been dating him since the last 5 months and I have never been happier. This guy and his love for me accommodated all the dreams I had ever seen, he showed me to the bright world which I had always seen in dark earlier. He did the one most indispensable thing, he rebuilt my broken faith in love. He held my hand and taught me to walk even on the toughest paths. I love him, not that crazy and immature love that I loved 4 yearS back. I now love him with maturity, reasoning and fulfillment. Just last night he told me a  story, a story which changed his life, a story that now is changing, reforming and forcing me to think about my life. 
He flew away with his girlfriend to Manali on a September morning, without informing either one's parents. They went there because of some family problems, and decided to never come back. They packed some clothes and grabbed some money. They eloped. While telling his story there was a regret in his voice, I asked him the reason and he told me." We eloped without a plan, we had never even thought or talked about taking any such step till we actually took it. Everything happened too suddenly, It was as if I just wasn't thinking. As if my brain had stopped and some other external force was making me do what I did."
I asked him when did all this happen? He said 4th September 2011. I was amazed. September 2011 was the predicted time of my elopement with my first love according to the prediction of that astrologer through my kundli. My stars shifted to his destiny and what was predicted for me happened with him. That's what made for each other is maybe. That's what a soulmate means. Our stars met a lot earlier than we even knew each other, I hugged him tightly and said in his ears'" Hie soulmate."

Tuesday, 23 June 2015


३ बार बेल  बजने  के बाद किसी ने दरवाज़ा खोला, आज भी २:३० बज गए थे।  इन्हे ना  ही इंतज़ार करने के आदत है और ना ही मेरे इंतज़ार ना  करने  की।  गुस्सा आना तो वाजिब था।   मैं  नहीं जानती इनके मन में सवाल थे या नहीं आज पर मेरे सारे जवाब तो मैं जान चुकी थी  अब।
पहली बार जब यह लोग  मुझे देखने आये थे तो इनकी माँ ने मेरे हाथ की बनी कचोड़ियाँ  बहुत  पसंद आई थी और इन्होने बस मेरी तरफ देखकर मुस्कुरा दिया था।  वह पहली मुस्कुराहट थी जो मेरे लिए और मेरी वजह से थी, इसके जाते ही मुझे भी चले जाना चाहये था।  इंतज़ार करना मेरी सबसे  बड़ी भूल थी। एक डब्बा भर के कचोड़ियाँ   बना के रख दी  है मेने आज दोपहर को।
ज़ोर से दरवाज़ा बंद हुआ, में हमारे कमरे में बिस्तर की बाहिनी ओर  दुबक के लेटी  हुई थी। वह बाथरूम  की और गए मेने अपनी आँखें बंद ही रखी।  शायद उन्हें भी यही लग रहा था की मैं सो  चुकी हूँ।  उनके कदम बिस्तर की दाहिनी और जाने के बजाये मेरी ओर बढ़ने लगे, एक बार फिर मेरा शरीर उनके अहंकार के लिए त्यार हो गया।  आज पांच साल बाद यह डर भी आदत में बदल चुका  है।  और आज तो मेने ५ साल के सबसे बड़े डर से भी ना डरने का मन  बना लिया है।  पर आज कुछ अलग है , आज मैं  बिस्तर की इस बाहिनी ओर फिर कभी ना आने का मन  बना के आई हूँ। ये मेरी  तरफ झुके और साथ वाले टेबल से मेरी डायरी उठाकर बिस्तर की बाहिनी और आकर लेट गये।जो मेरे आज भेजे हुए मैसेज में नहीं मिला शायद वो  मेरी डायरी में ढूंढने की कोशिश कर रहे थे।  ३ मिनट के सन्नाटे के बाद मेने इनकी ओर मुड  कर कहा, "खाना लगा दू?"

Thursday, 18 June 2015


I was just very comfortable in my spegaties and bloomers when suddenly I had to change to v-shaped panties in order to use sanitary napkins when I started to menstruate.IT ALL HAPPENED TOO QUICKLY FOR ME TO UNDERSTAND BUT SLOWLY ENOUGH FOR ME TO ADJUST. So I adjusted, not only to the 24 hour blood flowing from my vagina for the worst 5 days of the month, but also to the doltish myths. The treatment of an untouchable  I wondered would have been better than mine. It wasn't just physical unease, my menstruation included stars, and pickles and temples and god and every possible thing that could be ravaged by my touch. Maybe when I started menstruating, I grew up.

Suddenly in school staying hungry became more cool than carry carrying a tiffin box, I still remember how after every period I used to rush to the bathroom to tuck my skirt a little higher.  When I started spending maximum time infront of the mirror, I think that's when I grew up.

Or was it when I met him for the first time, and could foresee a house with white and blue curtains the moment he said 'I love you'. Mistaking him as my forever lover, was that when I grew up? Or was it when I no longer missed him when he was gone?
I still don't know what was more mature? Loving him or letting him go, or maybe now I have grown up because I am able to see my past self as a fool. I WONDER, was I a fool  when I saw this relationship as the most clever thing to do? Or am i now clever to see us as fools? I don't know.
 I don't know when it happened, when suddenly my body started looking more enticing to those lascivious eyes which fell directly on my breasts. When I started feeling unsafe everywhere, from roads to parks, from buses to temples, even my own house wasn't safe in the presence of some unwanted guests. When the only warning we had to follow was 'not take toffee from a stranger' shifted to- do not wear cut sleeves or shorts out of home, wear a dupatta while travelling in public transport, beware of a sexual touch from the other gender in a crowded place.Was that when i grew up?

When the family's list of expectations of 'don't dirty your frock while having food' and 'greet elders when u meet them' extended to don't bunk tuitions, score well in boards, get admission in a good college, and the worst of all maintain decorum in the society which  itself lacks accord, did i grow up when every step i took was examined?

Did I grow up when I started deleting the internet history from my dad's laptop? Masturbation became  a hotly discussed topics among my so called girlfriends, I had to know about it to be a part of the conversation. And the feeling almost similar to dissecting a frog wasn't 'ewww' anymore. Because come'on, it gave me a feeling I  had never felt before. Sexual pleasures are hard to contempt.

When my only best friend wasn't a secret keeper anymore. The one i couldn't sleep without was now being waited to doze off, so I can make a midnight call to lover? Did I grow up when I started hiding things from mom?

Or did all this happen when suddenly waxing din't pain much, homework wasn't a task to be done anymore, or push up bras became my favorite? Or maybe when I lifted my eyes with judgement at everyone I saw. Maybe when I lost my innocence that's when I grew up.
Did I grow up when I started making new friendship bonds or was it when I lost them, many times simple losing and at others it was pain and turmoil.

Does maturity come when you  are ready to love? Or does it happen when you measure love and serve it in fragments according to your needs and based on people whom you are feeding? When I started weighing the quantity of emotions on a steelyard of my consciousness , was that when I grew up?

I have lost people, I have had heart breaks, I  have had love problems and family trust issues, but now I can see myself painting a beautiful picture with the right amount of black being used, Did all those complications help me in choosing the right paint colors for my painting today? I know not, but I am sure my painting today is colorful. Should I thank the ones came and gone for handing over  new colors?

But I see myself evolving even now, what I was yesterday I don't wish to be right now. Or what I am today i i would like to be better than this in the future. So when we are so dynamic how can growth be constant? Maybe I can never know when I grew up, because I just never stop growing.
what now strucks me strangely is that most of the time its not me who grew , it was the society that made me reform, change, develop, evolve into something BETTER. The BETTER that can never suffice, Because BETTER travels on  a road to infinity. So maybe its not me who is growing. Its just the 'definition of growth' that just doesn't stop reshaping itself and pushes me to growth.

Friday, 12 June 2015

misunderstandings because of unwanted changes


घर में घुसना अब एक कोर्ट जैसा लगता है, और तुम्हारी आँखें जैसे एक आहिना  जो मुझसे  मेरी असफलता के किस्से सुनने के लिए बेताब रहती हैं क्या मेरा tie loose करना काफी नहीं है तुम्हारे समझने के लिए की आज भी मैं  रिजेक्ट हो गया ?
मज़ाक सा लगता है, पहले माँ पापा और अब तुम, सबसे पॉकेट मनी ही लेता रह गया मैं  तो। 
जब कभी अपनी पसंद के परदे खरीदने या दूसरे कमरे में A .C. लगवाने से पहले तुम्हे सोचना पड़ता है  तब मेरा साल पहले किया हुआ एक-एक  वादा  धुंदलाता हुआ दिखता है। असल ज़िन्दगी  बॉलीवुड नहीं होती ना।    
 28 वी कम्पनी से  रिजेक्ट होने के लिए तुम मेरी शर्ट प्रेस कर रही हो।  चुप चाप।  
शुरुआत में मेरी ईगो हर्ट  हो जाती थी  पर अब तो तुम्हारे सामने सिगरेट पीने से भी नहीं झिझकता में।  
तुम्हारी कंपनी में काम करके तुम्हारे 55000  का राज़ जो  तुम्हारे बॉस के केबिन में छिपा है पहचान लिया था मैने। जब मैने कुछ नहीं कहा तो अब तुम भी क्या ही कहोगी मुझसे
 हर शनिवार, वही नुकड़ वाली कुल्फी खाने के बाद  पर्स खोलके पैंसे देकर मुझे नीचा दिखतो हो। अभी भी कहे बिना मेरी शर्ट प्रेस करके तुम क्या जाताना चाहती हो

में तुम्हारी गलतियों का तमाशा नहीं बनाता ,  पर तुम तो बंद कमरे में भी अपनी वही कॉलेज वाली स्माइल देकर, मुझे मेरे असफल होने का नज़ारा अपनी आँखों में हर रात दिखाती  हो। 

the train back home

                    THE TRAIN BACK HOME

Have you noticed? What made you happy yesterday doesn’t  make you happy any longer.
When happiness  itself is dynamic then how can the source of that happiness remain constant ? this is exactly why we say,  “you can’t make me happy anymore.”
You are in pursuit of something new now, something interesting, something unique. And you feel achievement of this ‘something’ would mean real satisfaction and would last for eternity.
But wait, hold on, the thing you have right now, the thing you have already conquered, isn’t this the same thing? That same new, interesting and unique thing you were in pursuit of earlier? When achieving  that couldn’t give eternal happiness how would achieving this new thing be eternal joy?
The idea is basically based on self- questioning.  Questions which are hardest to ask, answers of which are easy but hardest to find. Did we lose our contentment in the bargain of the so-called success? Does the pursuit of the fictional bliss blindfold us to happiness in real? Are we losing in the game of hide and seek being played by what we have and what we want to have. Did we ever look back and see? What we had and what we have now? Do we ever give credit to the present of being better than the past? Or do we take it as a granted ladder to climb up to the uncertain future that we may or may not have but surely desire. So, basically it’s all based on self- examination. Happiness isn’t a task, it’s  a simple feeling. It has to be felt not to be raced for. In the hunt of treasure, are you missing out the clues?
Times drifts, shaking the foundation of the THINGS we have in life. Time shifts the ‘things we have already achieved’ into the old box of memories and moves the ‘things to be achieved’ at the top of our priority list.
If I see precisely I can see time reforming ‘the things to be achieved’ into a TRAIN whose number of coaches can’t be calculated as it exceeds even infinity. The train moves and triggers our bones to board it. We somehow get to the platform, we somehow board the train, with great difficulty we also are able to get our seat. Sometimes it’s already vacant, sometimes it’s grabbed, but we take the seat, somehow. After settling down ourselves we realize that this train just doesn’t go home. Some impatient of us de-board our train on the next possible stop (and that’s when we start losing). Some stay. Some stay to stay, some stay to maybe wait for some other stop. But they just stay. They also know this train doesn’t go home. They might not reach home but are ready to enjoy the ride(the one in pursuit of reaching home). And you? You just wait and watch carefully the movement of people in and out of the train, sometimes happily sometimes with deep sorrow, but you finally let them go. That’s when your weakness quits your being and your bones become stronger. This is one loss that shall always remain a gain.
And so you, with your fellow travelers continue the journey in your train. Hey, don’t forget to put on your favorite music before you start (start positively). Give  a thumbs up to ones you still see around yourself, give enough credits to the ones who are gone, they played their part well.
Change isn’t bad, it’s a necessity. Wear pink today if you wore purple yesterday. But don’t burn your wardrobe because blue dint suit you the other day (wait for happy times, let not sadness trigger your positive spirits) .

No station is your station. But make sure you keep  getting down at one station or the other, tea breaks are much needed! 

Thursday, 11 June 2015

Have peace in yourself, to have a peaceful relationship.

If you witness dissatisfaction and displeasure in your relationship it is normal. But this can be tackled by some following some wise steps.
Its important to place relationship and work parallel to each other, overlapping or affecting one in order to compete with the other should be avoided. The major hindrance in relationships is expectation. When expectation exceeds bestowal, dissatisfaction steps in. You have to strike a balance between what you give and how much you take, be it materialistic or emotional. Its important to find content in your relationship to ensure its longevity. Your relationship will flow in the right direction if you have proper commitment and a strong feeling of belongingness that makes you think about your partner before yourself. You need to match up with the wishes and desires of your partner as well as your self in order to be on the same page, try to accommodate both yours as well as your partner's wishes and desires in order to avoid any disturbing arguments in the future.
You have choose to make your partner a part of your life, make sure to allow him/her to be an active part of the crucial decisions you take. Giving space is also important to have a substantial relationship, its essential to give time and take time in order to have an open mind towards your partner. Do not confuse your life goals with those of your partner's , professional life should not be affected my emotions.
Honesty and acceptance are major elements to keep the relationship under bright light, its important to be honest about everything you tell your partner and also to have an open mind to accept everything that your partner tells you. Sharing of ideas, opinions and feelings denies the possibility of misunderstandings. Relationship should be given a significant place in your list of priority, feeling special and making your partner feel special is an instant tool of a healthy relationship. Its required to spice up the dull relationships time to time for which giving surprises , making the important days like birthdays and anniversaries special, taking out time for surprise visits, cooking for your partner, etc can help. When you land up in a problem try to find the reasons and causes in your self before blaming the partner, 'forgiving and forgetting' should be the mantra of your relationship. A confident, strong, compassionate and loving relationship not only satisfies you emotionally but also helps in increasing your productivity at the professional level.

Let happiness and satisfaction go hand in hand with your relationship.

Blame whom?

(A glass of whisky on the table, a bottle of Black label and flavored soda)
Eh? ….no no , I think ill be staying here only tonight, give me one of your payjamas yaar.

Finally takes the call, “Rohan ill talk to you later yaar, im sleepy.”
...........(starts shouting) “ Yes, because it was your fault. I have to murder an innocent because of you”.....(tries to regain her temper)... “ listen Rohan, ill handle this myself.”

(with a change in the tone) “ It will be good if you drop me to my place only, the next time I am drunk.”( hangs up, switches off the phone)

(10 minutes later) Takes the glass of whiskey, dials a number from the landline.
“Hie, Karan....Where are you?”