Thursday, 18 June 2015


I was just very comfortable in my spegaties and bloomers when suddenly I had to change to v-shaped panties in order to use sanitary napkins when I started to menstruate.IT ALL HAPPENED TOO QUICKLY FOR ME TO UNDERSTAND BUT SLOWLY ENOUGH FOR ME TO ADJUST. So I adjusted, not only to the 24 hour blood flowing from my vagina for the worst 5 days of the month, but also to the doltish myths. The treatment of an untouchable  I wondered would have been better than mine. It wasn't just physical unease, my menstruation included stars, and pickles and temples and god and every possible thing that could be ravaged by my touch. Maybe when I started menstruating, I grew up.

Suddenly in school staying hungry became more cool than carry carrying a tiffin box, I still remember how after every period I used to rush to the bathroom to tuck my skirt a little higher.  When I started spending maximum time infront of the mirror, I think that's when I grew up.

Or was it when I met him for the first time, and could foresee a house with white and blue curtains the moment he said 'I love you'. Mistaking him as my forever lover, was that when I grew up? Or was it when I no longer missed him when he was gone?
I still don't know what was more mature? Loving him or letting him go, or maybe now I have grown up because I am able to see my past self as a fool. I WONDER, was I a fool  when I saw this relationship as the most clever thing to do? Or am i now clever to see us as fools? I don't know.
 I don't know when it happened, when suddenly my body started looking more enticing to those lascivious eyes which fell directly on my breasts. When I started feeling unsafe everywhere, from roads to parks, from buses to temples, even my own house wasn't safe in the presence of some unwanted guests. When the only warning we had to follow was 'not take toffee from a stranger' shifted to- do not wear cut sleeves or shorts out of home, wear a dupatta while travelling in public transport, beware of a sexual touch from the other gender in a crowded place.Was that when i grew up?

When the family's list of expectations of 'don't dirty your frock while having food' and 'greet elders when u meet them' extended to don't bunk tuitions, score well in boards, get admission in a good college, and the worst of all maintain decorum in the society which  itself lacks accord, did i grow up when every step i took was examined?

Did I grow up when I started deleting the internet history from my dad's laptop? Masturbation became  a hotly discussed topics among my so called girlfriends, I had to know about it to be a part of the conversation. And the feeling almost similar to dissecting a frog wasn't 'ewww' anymore. Because come'on, it gave me a feeling I  had never felt before. Sexual pleasures are hard to contempt.

When my only best friend wasn't a secret keeper anymore. The one i couldn't sleep without was now being waited to doze off, so I can make a midnight call to lover? Did I grow up when I started hiding things from mom?

Or did all this happen when suddenly waxing din't pain much, homework wasn't a task to be done anymore, or push up bras became my favorite? Or maybe when I lifted my eyes with judgement at everyone I saw. Maybe when I lost my innocence that's when I grew up.
Did I grow up when I started making new friendship bonds or was it when I lost them, many times simple losing and at others it was pain and turmoil.

Does maturity come when you  are ready to love? Or does it happen when you measure love and serve it in fragments according to your needs and based on people whom you are feeding? When I started weighing the quantity of emotions on a steelyard of my consciousness , was that when I grew up?

I have lost people, I have had heart breaks, I  have had love problems and family trust issues, but now I can see myself painting a beautiful picture with the right amount of black being used, Did all those complications help me in choosing the right paint colors for my painting today? I know not, but I am sure my painting today is colorful. Should I thank the ones came and gone for handing over  new colors?

But I see myself evolving even now, what I was yesterday I don't wish to be right now. Or what I am today i i would like to be better than this in the future. So when we are so dynamic how can growth be constant? Maybe I can never know when I grew up, because I just never stop growing.
what now strucks me strangely is that most of the time its not me who grew , it was the society that made me reform, change, develop, evolve into something BETTER. The BETTER that can never suffice, Because BETTER travels on  a road to infinity. So maybe its not me who is growing. Its just the 'definition of growth' that just doesn't stop reshaping itself and pushes me to growth.

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