FROM WHO I AM TO WHAT AM I?

It intrigues me to still not know what I really am. From the existential question I have shifted to the perennial question From who I am I have shifted to what am I? What makes up this little body and enormous believes? This thin skin and thicker kins? This cold touch and the wild June nights? This walking wardrobe and nothing to Cover from the cold. This open book and stories untold This all ears deception to words not heard. This visionary loss that puts the blame on darkness. The time goes back in time to ask the rhetorical question. As to what? Really what am I?

Evil Muse

Impersonal as much as it might be ,
Poetry always has shades of me.
Though not dyed deep in my color or soaked in my fragrance , it still carries an aura of my being. It caresses me during the futile nights be it boredom or romance. It fights with my demons but just to make way for the evil conquerors.
They now reside with me, higher than me.
My palace hosts the enemy's flag with as much pride as it did mine. Without knowing the difference it stands still, smiling at the passers by. Its ruled by me, me who's ruled by evil. Evil who made its way through my joys and made a sluggish room of my desires. Know they lie there both evil and aloof. Merry making.
Lighting candles carved out of my skin. Drinking wine, wasting all the fluid inside me. Tearing my masks it exposes me naked to make a flag of whatever is left. The flag still stands and smiles at the passers by. Made in red and burned at edges is the new sign. Hanging on my walls is the sludge driven out of your hellish instincts. Vacate my palace ,oh evil muse for its been a long time.
My lover is waiting for the reply of his letter. And he appreciates only light romance..

wine glass and you.

"Haven't you gulped down too much for the night?" he asked mockingly.

He put away my wine glass from my hand to let it rest on the balcony wall.

I poured the wine out of the glass dampening the wall.

"Only this has been as intoxicating since you left"

Goodbye second lover.

She held back her head. Leaned  to the right side of the bed. Played  her favorite song.  Loudly.  Then  softer.  Looked  down. All  dark.  The same fucking air. The air, your aura. That doesn’t change. She looked down. Just like 5 years back she looked down and  said goodbye to the first love. Now was the turn of the second to go. Now is the time. She held back her head. Leaned to the right side of the bed. Played her favorite song. Loudly. Then softer. Looked down. Screams." Not the same air anymore. Please not the same air." She stood up. This time eyes stood up too. Moves  forward. Opens the window. Slides down the curtain. Smiles.  Real  smile. Old air not there anymore. Not suffocating anymore. Un chained. Bridle less. Run, fly, be happy, be whatever. Oh how I missed me. Smiles. Laughs.

Goodbye second lover. Best wishes. Finally.

Lights a  cigarette.

“My hair smell good, again.  To me.”

magic is temporary

That feeling of falling in the same place after much efforts of not doing so,
that's the feeling to hear about you on the streets someday.
when your name falls on my ears it resonates with my memory before my brain.
oh loved lady little did you know the rumors about me back then were untrue just as they are today when they say the same about you?
 But I knew there false as soon as they called your name in a wicked way.
Whereas you till now believe their disbelief when they about me said.
Magic they named the bond we shared. To test this magic many went astray, so did you.
Oh my partner. Without you this show just doesn't run the same way. 

The death of a lover

One day standing at her balcony a thought stroke her head as she sipped the last sip from her coffee mug. What have I made of myself? The answer couldn't enter her mind as swiftly as the breeze did. And that's when she realized at least she doesn't choke while breathing anymore. Back then she could not even imagine that she will ever be able to wake up without eyes full of tears and heart full of remorse. She couldn't imagine that she will forgive herself for not being perfect enough . She couldn't imagine that she might just stop blaming herself for his betrayal. She couldn't imagine that one day she wouldn't feel deserted anymore. But today when she noticed her breathe flowing as swiftly as the breeze without choking her throat. She realized that maybe everything she couldn't even imagine back then would ever happen has happened now. As she stands there in disbelief of her illusioned evolvement through the years. I ask her, did you imagine this? Did you imagine being so lonely? Did you really ask for this kind of freedom? Did you ask for this luxurious house where there is no one you can come back to? Did you really want a house whose door bell you could never ring because you yourself have to open the door each time you enter this lonely place? Was this the kind of life you imagined for yourself? When you used to tell him with eyes full of dreams and passion that I want a big house is this the kind you asked for? When you said to your mom that you want to be as successful as your father did you really mean this success?  I am sure you didn't. But  it still happened to you Miss. successful lady. Similarly  everything else that you  had never imagined would happen has also happened today. Maybe you still love him, maybe you will always love him. But oh my little princess your house will always be too lonely to come back to without him. Your bed would be too cold to go to sleep without him. Your windows would be too thick to let the air pass through your lungs without him. Your heart would be too empty to even feel a death stroke without him. Your feet would never know where to go without him. Your hands will crave for touch but you will never feel anything apart from your own skin without him. Your lips would be painted in dark lipstick but you will still not be attractive enough without him. Your blunt will be too strong but you will never be high without him. Your soul would be tired my little princess but there wont be even be a single second of relief without him.
Oh lady don't even ask yourself who are you. Because somewhere down the line you would realize you didn't only let go of him but also of yourself. Hence today you have all the riches of the world still you aren't the princess you wanted to be. Because that went away with him. \Today you are the single lady running this house because even your much magnanimous doors could never bring him inside. Today you will be dead my girl and none would  be able to spell your name right at your funeral. Because everyone who could have has left you long before you could leave them.
Stop dreaming little girl, stop thinking. freeze your heart and let not you mind work. let not your eyes see your misery let not your ears hear your painful screams.Oh my baby get rid of this punishment of living without him. Tomorrow mix this belief in your coffee that 'no one is going to come to save you'. Gulp the coffee down your throat and jump. Jump off this railing because this isn't the life of dignity anymore. This is a life of rejection. This is the life of being left. This isn't the life you wanted to design for yourself my girl.
Come out of your illusion. Put a halt to your ever waiting soul. Even if you die with his name on your lips he shall still not come back. Even if you will write letters to him warning him to save you he shall still not come back. Even if you call him out loudly, loud enough to break apart every  nerve of your throat he shall still not come back. Because oh my little innocent girl if he would have to come back he wouldn't have gone.
The next morning there was just a pink cup and a princess crown on the table of her terrace. And you know what? He still didn't come back.

Love or Victim?

It would have been so good if you were still here. The lights would have still shined the same way as they used to once you entered here. 

Was it as easy to destroy me now as easy it was to make me yours back then? Did you try to collect the bits you broke out of me while leaving? Or are they still scattered on those streets where you left me and never bothered to turn back and see? 

It had been a long journey we had traveled. I wonder how I am still a nomad even after having found my destination. Maybe that's because my destination just doesn't open the main door. So I try and slip from other doors, windows or even holes. But all in vain. Your building has love proof walls. They just don't let me in. 

Have I been a fool or have you been too smart? I don't know. I haven't really known much. Haven't found answers to many questions I never had the courage to ask. I didn't know a lot. Maybe I didn't know at all.  But  I surely know one thing now I have loved more than you have and you have been loved more than me. I have heard many people talk about love. I have read many fairy tales. But none ever let me know until now that there is no real difference in a victim and a lover. There is no real difference between a sinner and the loved.